Changing Ourselves: Yom Kippur
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, of blessed memory, was visiting a Jewish day school and the administration hosted a special luncheon with some of the teachers and Rabbi Sacks.
During the luncheon, the teachers were given the opportunity to ask the Chief Rabbi their questions. One teacher asked Rabbi Sacks, "What would you say to a student who tells you that he does not believe in God because one of his parents had died?" Rabbi Sacks looked down at his shoes and paused for what felt like a long time. Then he looked up and said simply, "I would give him a hug."
We are faced with the trauma of October 7th and beyond. We have few words for the pain and grief of the loss of life, limb, hostages in captivity. We all have stories to share.
I will never forget getting a call from our daughter Tamar in tears when she learned that her friend Senai, at 23, lost her husband, Yosef Geudalia, on October 7th. They were married for a year. When his mom Dina and Senai went to clean out the apartment after his death, she was greeted with clothes laid out prepared for their first wedding anniversary photo shoot that they never got to take. Yosef was killed heroically saving civilian lives with his IDF unit, Duvdevan.
I remember visiting the Shura IDF base home of the Rabbinate where soldiers are prepared for burial. When we entered the room where families say goodbye to their loved ones who were killed in battle, one of the Rabbis shared a story of brothers singing to their younger brother who had been killed. When asked for the reason, the brother explained, “My parents divorced when we were young and I would say Shema and sing Hamalach Hagoel Oti, the words of Jacob to his children, to my 3 year old baby brother before he went to sleep. I wanted to sing the blessing to him one more time.”
These are only two of thousands of stories. With aches in our hearts, our community, the nation and people of Israel, try our best to hug our brothers and sisters in Israel, the orphans, widows, soldiers, displaced families, and families of hostages. Thousands upon thousands of volunteers doing things like barbecuing, baking, laundry, dismantling sukkahs, hospital visits and farming.
Now, as we stand on the threshold of a new year, what must be on our minds?
Of course, we pray that God willing, we will experience revealed miracles from Above and an end to our sorrows. The hostages will come home, husbands and wives, parents and children will be reunited. We will witness the realization of the vision in Zechariah of elderly men and women in the squares of Jerusalem and the squares of the city shall be crowded with boys and girls playing in peace and victory.
Yet, there is another seminal idea for us to bear in mind as we embark on the new year.
It is this. Yom Kippur is not about changing God but about changing ourselves.
The most often heard refrain on Yom Kippur is the 13 attributes of Mercy. We sing together repeatedly, Hashem Hashem kel Rachum VeChanun. God who is merciful, slow to anger, abundant in kindness, bears our inequities are some of the attributes.
These attributes were taught by God to Moshe in the aftermath of the sin of the Golden Calf. In fact, the Talmud teaches the following: Rabbi Yochanan said: God wrapped Himself as a chazan and said to Moshe: Whenever Israel sins, let them carry out this service before Me, and I will forgive them.
What does that mean? Are these words a magical incantation?
Rabbi Moshe Alshich, the 16th century commentator explains that the attributes are not simply a formula for forgiveness but must be lived in our lives for them to have impact on God.
When we are merciful to others, God is merciful to us. When we are forgiving, God forgives.
In the aftermath of October 7th and this past year, two attributes stand out as priorities for all of us. The first is unity fostered by the attribute of erech apayim being slow to anger and the second is anticipatory kindness fostered by the attribute of Notzer Chesed Laalafim, ignited kindness for thousands.
Only a year ago, today, the Jewish people were on the verge of destroying themselves from within. The scene in Dizengoff Square in Tel Aviv on Yom Kippur day and the vitriol between Jew and Jew was tragic. For several years, Jews of all types have come together for outdoor prayers in central Tel Aviv sites, including its iconic Dizengoff Square. Last year, a group of protestors tried to throw the prayer books into the fountain and threatened to set large dogs on the praying Jews. Ideally, a compromise could have been found allowing the protesters and prayer-goers to live and let live. It was only the onslaught of October 7th that fueled unity of purpose against our enemies. God willing, when the days of crises subside, we must do whatever we can to sustain and grow the unity.
For 55 harrowing days, Sapir Cohen endured captivity at the hands of Hamas in Gaza. Her ordeal began with her abduction from Nir Oz on October 7 and ended with her release in the swap on November 30, 2023. However, her partner, Alex Trufanov, who was kidnapped alongside her, remains in captivity, held by the Palestinian Islamic Jihad.
She shared a telling conversation with her captor , “During my captivity, one of my captors called me to watch Al-Jazeera when they were showing footage of Hostage Square" she recalls. "I saw tens of thousands of Israelis united in purpose, and it filled me with hope. The captor smiled, interlocked his fingers into two fists, and said, 'When all the Jews are like this, it's strong, strong, strong. We'll wait a bit, there will be chaos among you.'
It was then that I understood they are acutely aware of our vulnerabilities and know that our greatest threat comes from within. "This is why we don't need to share the same opinions, but rather respect each other, practice tolerance, and remember that we're all one family.”
How do we see each other? Do we mine for gold or dig for the dirt?
I shared on Shabbat a moving story from a friend, Cathy, in California. She was at DisneyLand a couple of weeks ago with her family celebrating her 8 year old daughter’s birthday. Cathy does not keep fully kosher but does stay away from shellfish. While in the food court, she spotted a woman wearing a star of David and holding a lobster roll. Cathy engaged the woman in conversation who remarked that she began wearing the star post October 7th.
Turns out, they both have a mutual rabbinic friend. The Rabbi who lives in LA is close with Cathy but the woman had not spoken with the Rabbi since her Birthright trip over 20 years. Seizing the moment, Cathy took a selfie of both of them and sent it to the Rabbi. The Rabbi responded immediately thrilled to reconnect.
What happened next was extraordinary. The woman told Cathy that a few weeks ago she prayed to God for a sign welcoming her back to her faith. She felt that meeting Cathy was a sign from God.
I told Cathy that she acted in a Divine way. Most people would have seen a woman holding a lobster roll and the star of David and focused on the hypocrisy. They would have written her off as a Jew. Cathy to her eternal credit did not. She focused on the star of David and that fueled within the woman a Divine spark of return. If Cathy did not lose faith in her, how could she lose faith in herself.
Whether in our country, Israel, within our families, let us remember what unites us. We are one nation under God and one family as a Jewish people with one heart. If we are united, no power on earth can prevail over us.
The second priority this year is initiating acts of kindness. We describe God as being the One who creates kindness for thousands. How is that possible for us to do?
It is easier than we think. One gesture of kindness may touch one person at the start but we set off ripples that can touch hundreds if not thousands. In a world filled with violence we are tasked to flood the world with kindness. In a world where so many lives have been lost, this year more than ever, we are tasked to amplify their light through ours. We become their conduits to live on.
I am inspired by the story of my best friend’s wife, Ora Watson of Beit Shemesh who initiated the Oz VeHadar Wig Project. It started with one idea, one gesture of kindness.
After October 7th, so many men were drafted to fight in the IDF leaving young married women at home alone with their children. Many of them moved in with their mothers for support. Ora’s block was filled with anxious and tense wives, mothers and children whose husbands and sons were at war. The environment was especially tense as the husbands were not allowed to have their phones and the wives had no idea how they were doing as they fought in Gaza.
Ora and her daughter, Elisehva wanted to see what they could do to ease some of their pain, loneliness and anxiety. When Elisheva asked one of the wives, she jokingly asked for sheitel. The married women observed the mitzvah of covering their hair sometimes with scarves and sometimes with a wig. Immediately, Ora, her sister Bracha who lives in New York and Elisheva took the bull by the horns and initiated a chesed project. Ora explained that the goal was not to raise money as funds were needed elsewhere for Israel but to find a way to mobilize women in America and at this point worldwide to materially and emotionally support the women in Israel. The women in America donated some of their extra wigs. In the first go round, Bracha sent 50 wigs to Israel.
Ora invited women on the block to come and choose them while also inviting other volunteers to help the women with fitting and styling. By Divine orchestration, the night of the first gathering was the first night of Chanukah which could have been a night of notable loneliness without their husbands home. The timing was perfect to lift their spirits. Since the start of the war, Ora and many volunteers have distributed over 2000 wigs.
The project is a perfect example of igniting kindness. The beneficiaries are not only the women whose husbands are in battle but their mothers, widows, women in the IDF and also all of the women worldwide who now have a personal connection with their sisters in Israel. The donors did not only send wigs but also letters of strength. As one of the young widows shared, what meant the most was not the sheitel but the expression of love and support in the letter.
One idea and one act of chesed sparked by a question: how can we help, powered a worldwide multi level chesed initiative that fostered Jewish unity and lifted up the lives of hundreds of women.
We all have stirrings of the soul, moments when we think about an idea to help someone. It could be an expression of support, making a match, recommending someone for a job or simply wondering what someone needs. Imagine if we seized every stirring of the soul for action how different our world would be.
We are blessed to be at a shul and live in a community that has truly stepped up in unity and in kindness this past year. May we continue to fuel greater bonds of community and increased acts of kindness.
On Yom Kippur, God is calling on us to walk in his ways even more profoundly. God willing, when we do, our transformation will unleash revealed miracles from God and the entire world will be elevated as well.
Wishing you and your families an easy and meaningful fast and may we all be sealed in the book of life for the coming year.