What Truly Matters
What Truly Matters
Rosh Hashanah 5783
Rabbi Daniel Cohen
I was sitting at a Starbucks in a neighboring town on a Friday afternoon. The local kids had gotten out of school and were purchasing drinks and enjoying some time with friends. When they got up to leave, almost all of them left their garbage and walked away except for one young girl. Taken aback, like me, she had a look of surprise on her face. Then, she took a moment to throw the garbage away and even wipe down the table. We were both disappointed in the behavior of her friends but I said to her, ``Your parents really raised you well.” She smiled and thanked me. Her friends waited for her and off they went.
Littering may seem trivial but it is truly telling. Whether to pick up one's garbage or not or go out of one's way to clean up another's garbage reflects a person’s attitude towards their environment, society and their own sense of personal responsibility.
What would our children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews and youth we know do in a similar situation? Do we know for sure?
From a Jewish perspective this question is not tangential but essential to our life mission.
Why did God choose Avraham to be the father of the Jewish people? What is our mission?
There is only one place in the Torah where God explicitly says why he chose Avraham.
God states in chapter 18 in Bereishit-
I have chosen him so that he will instruct his children and his household after him.
Avraham was not chosen just because he was righteous like Noach or a fighter for justice like Moshe. He was chosen to be a parent and influence the next generation.
For what purpose?
God states - to teach his children to keep the ways of God by doing what is right and just. God did not say I want your children to be happy, bright or financially successful. He said, I want you to keep the ways of the Torah by doing what is right and just. God gave us the Torah to refine us as human beings. Our mission is to teach and live the highest ethical ideals. Whether a biological parent or not, we all can influence youth in our homes and communities.
If they see us living these ideals and making them a priority, they will in turn be inspired and will be an inspiration to others.
I would imagine most if not all of us would agree with this assessment and ideal.
What is the current state of our sacred mission? Are we sending the right messages and are youth embracing it?
One other example. What do our youth think about cheating? The facts do not bode well for the state of our society. Cheating among high school students has risen dramatically during the past 50 years. Today between 75 and 98 percent of college students surveyed each year report having cheated in high school whether a struggling student on or above average college bound students.
It is not only a rise in cheating that is disturbing but the silence of peers who are afraid to let the teachers know for fear of “tattling” or “ratting out a friend.” Grades, rather than education, have become the major focus of many students.
Would the youth we know stand up for what is right? Would we?
What kind of generation are we raising? What values do we project?
These questions speak to the heart of our society and our future.
Each one of us hopes, prays and envisions for God willing a year ahead filled with blessings for ourselves and the world. The state of our youth is sobering. Yet, the hard truth is we cannot forget that changing the world starts with changing ourselves.
Intellectually, we know honesty, courage and kindness are the highest priorities but we lose focus. It is an historic problem and a universal one.
In fact, on Yom Kippur, Yishayahu in an impassioned plea to the Jewish community, asks rhetorically, “Do you think today is only about starving your bodies? Share your bread with the hungry, take the poor into your home, when you see the naked, clothe them, and do not ignore your own kin.” Fasting alone is not enough, unless we adhere to moral and ethical behavior.
Recently, I had the opportunity to speak with NBA All Star and Hall of Famer David Robinson, known as “The Admiral” for his decision to delay his NBA career to serve in the Navy and famous for his achievements on the basketball court. The conversation was focused on inspiring our youth. David exudes humility , menschlechkeit and the commitment to valuing what is truly important in life.
He told me, “When you go before the Lord, all these things that you used to think were so important, are not. I remember I was introduced at a speech recently and all the things mentioned are not going to matter. "Oh, he scored 25,000 points. He was in the Hall of Fame, two time NBA MVP, and he was this and that.” None of this is going to matter!” I asked him what he would tell a 17 year old. He responded with heart, “If I was speaking to a 17 year old, I would tell him, “kindness matters, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self control - all matter.”
I know we would all agree with David’s assessment and message. How do we get there?
It starts with us. Our words and our actions reflect who we are and who we want to be. If we do not consider kindness, integrity and courage as the highest of values, neither will our children.
Two questions can crystallize a road forward. What do we praise and what do we love?
When asking children what is most important to their parents, many parents learn that their children did not think that being good was what mattered most to their parents. Most often, children receive their highest compliments for one of four things: their intellectual and academic achievements, their athletic abilities, their artistic attainments, or their looks.
What does it mean to celebrate goodness in our youth?
Instead of asking a young person at the end of the day, what grade did you get on a test, we should be asking did you try your best? Who did you help today? Did you go out of your way to return a lost object or or befriend a new kid at school?
We should reserve our highest praise for when children and adults do kind acts. Cultivating goodness strikes at the heart of a moral and sacred society. We might think these other values have value in and of themselves. The answer is they don’t. As Rabbi Abba Bronspigel, one of my teachers at Yeshiva University, a Holocaust survivor, would remind us repeatedly, Germany did not start World War II and carry out the Holocaust because it lacked intelligent or cultured people, but because it lacked enough good people.
The impact of reserving our highest praise for goodness and integrity will be powerful. Our children will identify feeling good about themselves with being a good person and it will fuel more goodness and courageous living. I am amazed by the power of contagious kindness generated through the team spirit on our Making Mitzvah Moments app launched at the start of COVID in 2020. What we praise and what we honor defines who we are.
Secondly, what do we love? What are we passionate about?
Rabbi Moshe Alshich, great Torah commentator, asked a very good question about the Shema. It says “veshinantam levanecha”, you shall teach these things to your children. He asked, “How can we be sure that we really will teach God’s ways to our children and that they will embrace them? How do we act so that we know we will succeed?”
The Torah gives the answer.” Just two verses earlier, it says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might.”
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks encapsulates this idea beautifully.
“It is what we love, that our children will learn to love and there is no other way to teach your children. It's not what we say to them. It's not even what we do to them. It is the way our lives reflect our loves. Those are the things our children and our youth will absorb and eventually make their own. Or as the English poet, William Wordsworth wrote in his great poem, The Prelude, “What we love, others will love, and we will show them how.”
This was the secret of Avraham’s success and to ours as well.
Avraham’s heart was bursting with chesed, kindness. He had a need to give, and he suffered more at the thought of not being able to welcome guests than from the physical pain of his circumcision. He anxiously sat at the threshold of his tent, searching for passersby to invite into his home. His and his wife Sara’s open home, welcoming strangers, was not reactionary but anticipatory. He and Sara loved and lived their values and so must we.
One of my most powerful memories as a child emerged from the team effort of our hospitality. My siblings and I all participated in some way. Whether greeting people at the door, offering food or drink, setting and clearing the table were all ways to counter a culture of self centeredness. It is no wonder the Talmud says the mitzvah of hospitality is as important as Torah study and a way to honor God. That’s because all of this trains us in the habit of thinking about other people’s feelings.
Our roles as mentors for youth never ends. No matter our age, we can influence those around us and embrace our mission as Jews.When we celebrate good character and anticipate opportunities for impact like Avraham and Sarah, it becomes contagious and we change not only families and communities but the world.
Our micro acts of kindness, integrity and courage fueled by our celebration of them will foster more and more and ripple across time, space and future generations.
I want to conclude with a conversation I had with one of our senior members, Carl Kalufman, who is two weeks shy of 87 years and a true mensch, may God bless him and Flora. Yesterday was the Yahrzeit of his mother Hortense, Fraydel bat Yosef. Her formal education stopped in 10th grade. When Carl graduated elementary school, she inscribed his yearbook with the following words that live in him and through him to this day.
Four things in life never return. The Spoken Word, The Sped Arrow, a Lost Opportunity and Deed Done. She understood what truly mattered in life. A few words well placed and well lived can transform a child. Anyone who knows Carl knows he embodies these values. Now, thank God, those values will be instilled in his and Flora’s great grandson who was born, thank God this year.
God willing this year, we too will embrace and model what truly matters in life, celebrate goodness and love those things that matter most. May our children, and children’s children and generations yet unborn follow in the ways of the sacred mission of Avraham and Sara and may we merit a year filled with the sweetness of God and revealed blessings in every corner of our lives and universe.